Serving Face

There is so much more to you than what meets the eye. I see it. I feel it. 

Your thoughts, heart, dreams, potential and action. . . 

You send out into the world whatever you think about. You broadcast your thoughts, feelings and intentions like invisible radio signals into the atmosphere. Whether you like it or not, exactly what is on your mind and in your heart ripples out from you to people, animals and things. 

Take selfies and photos for an example. Lots of times you snap a selfie or a group photo here or there and that's it. Or is it? 

Imagine a group photo now. Let's say this particular photo is one with you a bunch of your friends. Simple stuff, right?

What is on your mind in the split second before the picture is taken? 

Notice if you are present in the moment and feeling the connection you share between you and your friends. Are you in the now and enjoying yourself? Do you feel your connection to these people in this moment? If so, bonding and sharing comes through the photo.

Or are you consciously clicking off the boxes as your remember your angles and which side you want to place before the camera lens? Are you switching perspectives as you put yourself in the viewer's eyes and visualize how you will look from the outside? Have you already posted it on social media in your mind? If so, your judgment comes through the photo.

You might have seen photos of a group of friends where each person is focused one how they, themselves look. It's a photo of individual selfies rather than a cohesive group photo because they are bonding with the camera instead of their friends. These people are serving face, or their brand or whatever they think will please other people They have removed themselves from the group experience and retreated into wondering what they look like in this photo, how they will be viewed. 

When you calculate how you will look better, you emit your calculations. You send out yourself viewing yourself. You are self conscious about what others think of you and slightly defensive. Instead of being who you are, you want to deliver what they will like and accept. You deliver your people pleasing intentions. You allow your moment to be influenced by what others think instead of feeling the joy inside.

Natural joy is attractive.

When you are in the moment you are more open and vulnerable. You are more you. You send out an unguarded authentic you. You give yourself permission to enjoy yourself instead of worry about how your look will be received. You transmit the real you.

Throw your head back and laugh from the tips of your toes. The real you is the  self you love. You don't need anyone else's approval or comment or judgment.  It's time to reveal the real you in all you do. 

I Know Where You've Been

On-line dating sites
Hook up apps
Social media overload
Dishonest selfies
Painful blind dates

You check your phone for small shots of instant social gratification. It feels fabulous to reach out and connect and so you seek the next mini high of being validated. You receive hearts or likes or clicks that flood your solar plexus with needles full of hope. Yet the hits don't last and worse yet, they stop flowing.

No one knows the real you, not like you want to be known and understood. 

Superficial, surface connection is at your ready fingertips 24/7. You can scan for or pick a potential partner as easily as you might select a fresh dessert from a wilted and overcrowded buffet. The process is the problem.

The age old conflict: 

Where do you go to begin or build a lasting connection? The kind of connection that becomes deep, raw, real and honest? The kind of connection that whispers to or jolts your heart and soul out of your mind numbing search?

Not where you think. Not where you have been looking. Not outside yourself. 

You have been taught, told and sold that fulfillment, happiness and love are outside of yourself. If you play the game the right way, have boatloads of cash or are beyond airbrushed attractive, you will be or become lucky in love. Otherwise, you are missing out.  

Nonsense. You have been sold a pack of well-intentioned lies.

The new model:

It's time to look inside. Yes, the connection, compassion and unconditional love you seek are within you. Unconditional love is as much a part of you as your eye color or favorite movie. 

Reconnect with the unconditional love that is alive within your heart. Whether it is a spark or a raging flame, it burns. It drives you to keep searching and beckons you to remember it.  Feel it, respect it, honor it.

Love yourself first to make peace with your emotions. 
Love yourself honestly so that others may know how to love you. 
Love yourself completely to connect with the energy of all that is. 

Just love. 

Social Anxiety 101

You received a text invite and it sounded like fun. You decided to go all in. You washed, prepped and dressed yourself feeling fine. You centered yourself in a good attitude and your pre-game. You arrived. It was overflowing with people you don't know and have no interest in getting to know. Yuck! That party sucked.

vs

You didn't want to go. You didn't care all that much. You went because you had nothing better to do. You showed up late. Very late. You couldn't believe how packed the place was. It was wall to wall people and a blast. That party was killer.

What is a difference between your parties?

You and your expectations. Your expectations can gut you. You know firsthand that your expectations of people, events, situations, interactions and relationships can set you up for disappointment if you are not aware of them or that you can change them.

So what's an open hearted person to do?

Get quiet and become still so that you can connect with your answers inside. Turn off your electronics. Dedicate alone time to you. Breathe. Get in touch with your inner wisdom. With practice and persistence you will become more self aware. When you become self aware, decide to do the deep self work and deal with your expectations.  

Calibrate your expectations. Decide if you want to raise or lower them. (remember your expectations are not the same as your standards, um-no) Decide how to fine tune your expectations of other people and yourself. You can't control other people. You can consciously choose for yourself.

High expectations can lead to disappointment more often than not. When you reduce and release your expectations, life opens up. Give yourself some space and make room for happy accidents and serendipity. Then it's Party on.  

The Self Love Issue

You know the scenario of the sad loner lost without love. . . . 

It's one of the most damaging love myths I can think of and it goes like this:

There may be something wrong with you if you aren't paired off in a traditional two person relationship. You are somehow incomplete when you aren't in a romantic relationship. You trudge through a gray world of grief and sadness alone and forlorn. Your choices are to put on a brave face, give up on love or search in vain for "the one," your other half, or your soul mate. 

Ouch!

This poisonous lie is responsible for more heart break and at the root of more misunderstandings than all the shenanigans on dating websites combined. My heart was broken when I believed this garbage and maybe your heart too? It is time for new approaches and new results in loving each other.

I am here to channel unconditional love. My mission is to help you unlearn what doesn't work and what hurts. When you consciously release what has hurt you in the past, you open up room for what feels much better now.

Hello Love.

Now, let's look together at why this toxic myth doesn't hold up:

You have been told there is a lid for every pot. You are socially conditioned in subtle and not so subtle ways that you are inadequate if you are not in a love relationship and so you search for your other half to "get" you, to love you for you, to take care of you and to have your back. You wait. You want to be included. 

The problem is you are giving someone else the responsibility for how you feel. You are basing your happiness on what someone else feels about you. Slippery slope territory indeed! If they accept you and love you, you are loved.

That is ass backward.

It's like me asking you to exercise for me so I feel strong and fit. When does this work? 

You are the only one who can take responsibility for your exercise, your emotions and your happiness. Love you for you. Include yourself.

Harsh news flash:

There is no one coming to rescue you or take care of you or make it better before you do it yourself. When you know and feel in your heart that you are loving, loveable and loved, you model it for others.  When you take responsibility for your hopes, dreams, love and fears you can then choose to share them or not.  

The irony is that when you need someone outside of yourself to love you, you ask them to do what you are not doing for yourself. By not loving yourself on a deep and authentic level, you are not treating yourself well. By not treating yourself well, you (intentionally or not) show people how to not treat you well. You ask the love of them that you refuse to give yourself. 

You know the sting of this approach.

Instead start with self-love. Self love is not selfish. Give yourself unconditional self love. No one is more deserving.

You might have learned not to remember your self love but you can't extinguish it. It burns forever in you. Close your eyes and remember the tiny spark of unconditional love deep within you now. It may be flickering or sputtering or it may be full on blasting. 

Find it. Feed it. Fuel it. 

Give yourself compassion and healthy self care. Stop with your judgmental self talk. Start treating yourself as you would your best friend or your family or your pet. 

You are anything but sad or powerless or separate when you nurture your inner wisdom and unconditional love. Fan the flame of love inside of your heart. Remember that the only time you are separate is when you believe it. 

It is time to release toxic myths and embrace new love. Of course it starts with you. You are loved and complete. Now.